Part 2 - Find your centre, find your logic
Posted on Sun May 19, 2019 @ 3:15am by
1,885 words; about a 9 minute read
Having stepped out briefly to the cargo hold to check on her things at the request of the cargo officer T'Mira now returned to her temporary quarters. She showered and changed into a nightgown which was no more then a T-Shirt that covered her to mid thigh. She replicated another cup of peppermint tea and sat down on the small two seat sofa which she had moved to the window where she could watch the stars streak by. She wasn't tired tonight. Her mind was going off in a million directions. There was an anticipation that seemed to grip her whenever she started a new posting and it was kicking in now. While she had read and re-read all the bios of the crew it was nothing compared to the real thing. She wondered if they would be like their files.
T'Mira loved people. She loved to watch people and to watch their interactions, she wasn't that good at interacting with them but observing them made her feel less lonely. She stood and walked over to the desk. Unlocking the box that lay on top she pulled out her journal and walked back to the sofa. As she began to write she found that her mind, once again, went back to the pillar...
Two Months Ago: Vulcan, Forge Region
The hallway seemed to go on forever until she finally came face to face with a heavy door that was intricately carved. She looked at it. Was the voice behind this door? There was a familiarity to it as if she’d heard that voice before. That voice had made her feel safe. She hesitated but only for a moment and then she pushed the door open and stepped through the doorway.
T’Mira’s eyes widened as she took in the large room that was covered in gold. In the center was an oversized golden chalice with flames spilling over the side like water from a fountain.
She looked at the tall statues at each corner of the room. The walls seemed to glitter and sparkle with each flicker of the flame.
“Magnificent isn’t it? Welcome to Sha Ka Ree.”
Startled she turned to find a tall Vulcan in long flowing black robes that had gold threaded glyphs on them, an ancient Vulcan language that predated recorded history, walking towards her. His hair was shiny silver and his eyes a devastating blue like a cloudless sky. His ears a perfect shape, ending in a perfect point. The tall well-built man smiled a devastating smile. That smile shook her from whatever hypnotic magic had held her. “Vulcan’s do not smile.”
His smile seemed to grow. “They did before Surak.”
“Perhaps. Who are you?”
He chuckled, “My, my, my, T’Mira. Aren’t you curious? You were always curious even as a child.”
“Who are you?” She asked again her body shifting like a wild snake coiling for a strike.
He smiled and held out his hands. “You need not fear me. I have been here since the creation of Vulcan. I am known by many names. On Betazed I am Kelvorine. On Earth I had many names, Pluto, Hades…here I am Shariel.”
Her mouth dropped open, “As in the God of Death?” She looked around as if expecting dramatic organ music to sound or lightening. She felt somewhat disappointed when it didn't come.
Shariel chuckled, “Precisely.”
“Am I dead?”
He shrugged. “Not quite yet, but, your heart is beating at a very slow rate.”
She noted a faint thumping sound.
“Yes. That is the faint echo of your heart.” He stepped up to the fire. “You have much courage in you. You challenged me to bring you peace.”
She tilted her head, her momentary panic seeming to fall away, “No, I challenged you to clear my mind…or rather I challenged the pillar.”
Shariel smiled, “I am the pillar. I only respond to what is in the petitioner’s heart.” He motioned to the fire. “Look inside the flame find your centre, find our logic.”
She shook her head.
Shariel held out his hand. “You are afraid. You fear you are not worthy of peace.”
She looked at his outstretched hand. “That would be Illogical. Fear is illogical.”
Still holding his hand out he gave a nod. “Yes and so is loneliness. Not for a lover but for friends, for family. You are good at building walls and pushing everyone away. You place yourself in a self-imposed exile that is not so much a choice. I sense you wanting to reach out yet you do not know how.” He stepped closer. “You trusted me once, four years go on Qo’noS. Trust me again.”
Suddenly she remembered. During the Section 31 assignment she had been wounded, close to death and very afraid she thought she’d hallucinated and then the image of blue caring eyes, feeling safe…She reached out her hand connecting with his. “That was you.? You were there? You...told me I have to live.”
“Yes. I was there. I held your katra in my hands guiding it back to your body. You were not done then and you are not done now. I told you we would meet again when you were ready. Let me help you find your centre.”
She let him lead her to the fire. Peering inside she let the light enter her soul.
Suddenly she was no longer in the sanctuary of the golden room. The images shifted and she bore witness to some of the most painful experiences of her life. She saw, felt, and lived the pain in those moments again.
A calm familiar voice seemed to float to her ears. “Each blow no matter if physical or emotion has been like a small death and each new start, each determined step towards recovery a rebirth. Much like the phoenix that you had tattooed across your back you have been swallowed by the flame of sorrow and pain, reduced to ash, and then you have risen from the fire stronger and more beautiful, more yourself.”
As if in corroboration to his words the image shifted to Bajor.
She saw herself in tears asking Nivar where they stood and then heard his callous words again.
”There is no us T’Mira. You were just a distraction for me. I can’t afford distractions. This is my purpose to be here on Bajor to become a Vedek and eventually to marry a Bajoran like Leana. I need a warm Bajoran not a cold Vulcan”
The pain within her heart increased feeling as if it were on its last beat. She heard the wild thumping of her heart and then silence as if had stopped beating. She watched Nivar walk out and saw herself fall to the ground as if breath was stolen from her. Then a look of determination passed over her face and she stood, hands balled into fists she swiped at her tears. The steady beating of her heart began again and she walked out feeling different.
The voice floated back to her ears. “There. Do you see it?” She watched the scene replay. “The heart stopped reduced to ash and then reformed, better stronger, different, wiser. T’Mira sometimes the strongest hearts have the most scars and your heart is strong each of the scars on it has made it strong. In that instant where he walked away you shed your fear of being alone, you rose to your feet after being brought to your knees by pain. You chose to move on, to live, to push through. You choose to survive. As you have done your entire life you have chosen to live, to survive, to push through.”
She thought about it. She had always been drawn to the phoenix, she knew now that she felt as if it were her spirit animal. It might have been mythical but it spoke to her. It spoke of her life of all that she’d been through, of all that she’d endured and all that she’d survived.
“You now face a choice. Continue the cycle or let the fear within you die. Let your Katra come to its strength and be who you were meant to be. No excuses, no hiding who you are. Allow those around you to see the beauty and uniqueness that you are. Find and embrace who you truly are.”
Suddenly in front of her she saw herself, pale, sweating looking around as if afraid something would jump out at her.
“That is your fear T’Mira.”
T’Mira grabbed the sniveling image of herself and shoved it into the fire. Flames shot out enveloping the room, a bright light and then…her eyes adjusted. She was back in the chamber of the pillar.
Shariel stood before her holding a chalice. “Drink.”
She almost asked what it was but a sudden wave of determination crossed her. Without fear she took the chalice and drank the amber liquid. The sweetness of it trickled down her throat and she handed the glass back to the smiling form of Shariel.
He stepped back. “Live well, your Katra is strong.” He raised his arm parting his middle and pointer finger from his ring and baby finger in a Vulcan salute. “Live long and prosper T’Mira.”
She returned the greeting wondering if she’d ever see Shariel again.
He smiled, "Oh most definitely."
The room grew bright until all she could see and feel was a warm white light and then darkness…
Minutes or hours later she woke up back by the pillar in the warmth of her sleeping bag. Had it all been a dream? It had felt so real and the peace she felt, the determination…the strength ... that was real. Things had seemed to click into place a little. Was that a trick of the mind of the last two weeks of fasting and drinking tea that tasted like a washed socks?
She stood up and sighed rubbing the bridge of her nose. "Lovely," she said out loud. "The Bajorans have their Prophets and I have Shariel god of the dead. Zip-a-di-doo-da, as humans say."
There was an echo of laughter that seemed to be carried on the wind.
She packed up her sleeping bag quickly and headed back to the Mercury she was more anxious than ever for her new start. This felt different, this was a new start, a rebirth.
Present time
The experience back on Vulcan had left her ... with a peace she had never known. It had left her feeling centered and sure of her logic but also aware of her short comings. She closed the leather bound book and looked back at the stars. This was a new start for her a new adventure.
Suddenly feeling tired she stood and headed to the bed. She pulled back the covers and slipped into the bed enjoying the cool crispness of the sheets. She placed her journal on the bedside and yawned suddenly feeling more tired than ever. Maybe she would get to sleep tonight.
Lieutenant T'Mira
Chief Intelligence Officer
USS Victory
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