As a Fiddle

Posted on Tue Sep 12, 2023 @ 9:48am by Lieutenant JG Sydney Friedman Jr & Commander Cullen Walker

1,219 words; about a 6 minute read

Mission: A Lost Endeavour
Location: Sydney's Office

Walker had been in his quarters working out. Working out was how he kept his mind right. It came close to time for his appointment, he showered and dressed. Simple black pants, black shoes, and a replicated t-shirt that showed a silhouette of a martial Artist doing Jodon Yoko-geri, with the words, 'Karate is my Therapy.' He put on his belt and rune bag and communicator. It had some very important runes to him and pictures of his ex-wife and children. His children were his world. He stepped out of his quarters and security escorted him to Dr. Friedman's office. Security was a formality, considering his previous behavior. If they thought he was a threat, he would have gotten an eight man escort team instead of one. Once arriving at Dr Friedman's office, he pushed the button to notify her that he was at the door.

Sydney had just set down a tray when the chime went off. "Come in," she said, turning towards the door. As it opened, she gave a smile. "Ah, hello, Cullen, right on time." She gestured to the chair across from hers. "Please, make yourself comfortable." She nodded to the security guard, who stayed outside the door.

Sitting down, Walker looked at her, "Comfortable is always a relative term, but it is procedure."

"Can I offer you some tea?" she said, picking up the pot.

Answering, "Please, with honey."

Sydney poured him a cup and placed a honeyed spoon into it, giving it an initial stir and handing it to him. She took her own cup, added a spoon and sat back, stirring gently. "How are you feeling?" she said.

"Physically, better. I'm ashamed I hurt Dr Addams. That's going to be rough for him to get through. I lost control. I don't like that." Walkers were about self control. They ran faster, hit harder. Self control kept that in check. It was part of their Religious and Moral Code.

"You say you lost control, which carries with it a sense of personal responsibility," Sydney said. "Wouldn't it be more accurate to say your control was impaired from an outside influence?"

Shaking his head. "Yes, I was stripped of my control. A man is still responsible for his actions, inactions, and failures. It doesn't matter if I was drugged and tricked, I did those things. My body and my training harmed someone."

Sydney gave a "hm," in response, drawing a bay window by her notes on her padd. "I'm curious," she said. "Given your position on this, I'm curious how you handle some situations. For example: If someone was strong enough to pick you up, and threw you through someone's window, who is responsible for replacing the window?"

Walker grinned, "If I started the fight, I hold responsibility. If I didn't start the fight, the person who threw me. If there was no fight, I'm just the rock, so it would be the person who threw me. I understand what you're saying, I do. My father and stepmother sent me to the Vulcan School growing up. A man is the master of himself. I trained for this and failed. I failed to regulate through meditation. That means I need to pay better attention to my meditations."

"So, you didn't initiate the fight with the androids, you didn't even, technically, initiate sex with their plant. You were, as you said, the rock," Sydney said. "And you were prevented from 'regulating', as you put it, by a highly potent drug that you'd been nearly overdosed with. I'm not sure what other excuses you'll drum up, but I don't see them holding water, either. Other than a need for self-flagellation, why are you the only one who hasn't forgiven you?"

"I grew up being taught that a man is responsible for the intended and unintended consequences of my actions, inactions, and failures. It wasn't my fault. I understand that. However, I am the one that while under influence of being drugged put together a chemical adhesive and stuck the Doctor to the wall. In my faith, I have to fix that relationship. We weren't friends, we were work colleagues. The entirety of this situation isn't something I can change. An officer on this ship doesn't trust me and is possibly afraid of me. That hurts the crew and the mission. That is my responsibility. Forgiving myself comes in stages. 'I'm sofrry' doesn't fix things. Only redemption does. My People don't have a magic baby that fixes all of our mistakes. My faith owns our deeds and actions. This is my quest, to earn that officer's trust again."

Sydney nodded. "Interesting. So your goal is redemption, and forgiveness from without." She tapped her stylus on her padd. "Well, Cullen, I will say two things. First, redemption is a worthy goal; however, you should always be clear what it is you feel you need to be redeemed from. You blame yourself for a loss of control. Is that what Doctor Addams believes? That should be discussed. And secondly, 'I'm sorry' may not fix things, but it is a helpful start. Consider beginning there, and while there may not be a 'magic baby', 'baby steps' is what I would recommend right now. Your culture's love language may not translate well into his."

Cullen laughed, "To the majority, they can't see the love in my Culture. They just see the violence, arrogance, and Bullheadedness. Sitting down with the Doctor is a must. Charlie Chaplin said, "A man's true character comes out when he's drunk." Being drugged fell in with that. "Bodhi Sanders said Your reputation is what others think of you; your character is what you truly are. Reputations can be manipulated; character can only be developed and maintained." He was using quotes to try and explain what he was feeling.

"Well I'll see you and raise you 'Everyone who has an ass can be an ass. Let that help you find common ground,'" Sydney said, smiling.

Laughing, "My ass is spectacular. Be it the physical attribute or my behavior when it is time.."

"Glad to see your self-confidence coming back," Sydney said, chuckling as well. "And you can thank my father for those oh-so-wise words."

"I thought my father was dumb for years; then I became an adult and joined Starfleet. My interpretation of him has drastically changed. I became a father and he became the smartest guy in the world. He is an ass. My Vulcan stepmother says so."

"Often times how we view our parents will change over time. That's especially once we become in charge of a home and family. Sometimes that change comes from perspective, sometimes it comes from interaction. That said, while some time and perspective may help you and Doctor Addams, eventually interaction will be required. If you and Doctor Addams need a mediator, or just someone to referee, let me know. I'm at your disposal," she said.

Nodding, he said, "I'm going to start by giving it time. I may look into that in the future."

"Sounds good to me," Sydney said, smiling. "Thank you for your time, Cullen. I look forward to speaking with you again."

She stood up and led him to the door and gave him a supportive pat on the shoulder on his way out.

 

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