Forgive me Father...

Posted on Fri Jul 26, 2019 @ 3:49pm by Lieutenant Nicole Anderson & Lieutenant JG Camille Lévesque PhD

2,220 words; about a 11 minute read

Mission: Plaga Navis
Location: Nicole's Lab/Thomas Anderson's Quarters

Nicole sat at her counter, elbows on the counter, and her chin in her hands. She was staring at a cabinet in front of her and lost in thought when the chime sounded. "Who is it?" she said.

"C'est Camille," came the reply through the comm system.

Nicole sighed. "Computer, unseal doors."

The computer beeped and the door unlocked with a thunk. "Come in," she said.

The door slid open and the science officer walked in. She looked around at the lab equipment before making her way to Nicole's side. "Hello."

Nicole didn't, couldn't look at her. She continued to look at the cabinet in front of her and swallowed. "Hi," she said.

Rather than force Nicole to look up at her, Camille looked around at the equipment again. "You never did tell me why your private lab is so far removed from sickbay," she noted. "Or from any of my facilities. Surely it would work better with its infrastructure integrated with the rest of our facilities, non?"

"Non," Nicole said, wearily. "This was the original quarantine lab. I commandeered it as my personal lab because of the dangerous materials inside it. It is completely cut off from the rest of the ship in every way, and can even be detached if need be. I wanted something escape-proof...just in case."

"In case what?" Camille asked. "Most of our labs have safety measures to be effectively quarantined."

Nicole took a deep breath and sighed. "I was the monster today," she said, quietly.

"Monster?" Camille asked, incredulous. "No, no. Extreme? Yes. But people that would be dead aren't because--"

"No...just, stop, Cami," she said, turning to Camille. "I saved lives, yes. I 'did what I thought was best', fine. I did what I felt was needed to ensure the well-being of others. I have done something to help put good in the galaxy and think of all the wonderful things those people may do with their lives. Now...how many of those statements were said about my father?"

Things began to align in Camille's head. Nicole imposed her will upon a planet and did something many would find unconscionable so that people would live, the ends justifying the means. So had her father.

"That's why I was so upset earlier," she said. "I'm as bad as he is. The yon-savas does not fall far from the vine. And now...I feel awful. The way he looked at me...he knew. He knew I did the very thing I hate him for. Circumstances and motivations may be different but I don't think it differs much in the end." She was too tired to cry. Dark circles were forming under her eyes and she was paler than normal.

"I'm sorry," she said. "I'm just very tired and very upset." She stood up and stretched. "Would you...come with me? I know I need to apologize to him but...I'm scared." She took Camille's hand.

"Of course," Camille said softly. "I'm there for you. I get the feeling he'll be more understanding than you give him credit for. And if I'm wrong? I'll kick his ass for making you upset!"

Nicole barked a quick laugh and pulled Camille in, holding her tightly.

"I hope you're also beginning to see what I've been telling you all along," Camille added.

"Which would be what?" Nicole said into her hair.

"That's you're not the monster you make yourself out to be," she explained. "Have you done...ethically questionable things to save lives? Yes, without a doubt. But the real monster is the one who deployed this virus in the first place. And if you were in any way that mattered related to a ha'kiv-katau," she paused as she stumbled on the pronunciation, "a soul leech, then surely you'd be reveling in the death on the planet. But you didn't. You saved them."

"Well," Nicole said, releasing her, "strictly speaking they probably wouldn't like the death of a starbase either, since that'd be akin to throwing out a perfectly good buffet dinner. But your point is taken." She took a breath and looked Camille in the eye. "I wish I had your strength sometimes," she said, smiling.

"It comes with age," Camille joked before kissing Nicole firmly.

"All right...let's get this disgusting display of humility over with," Nicole finished, taking Camille's hand as they walked out of her lab. She wished she'd had time for a change out of uniform, but supposed that it was the most formidable she could look.

They reached Thomas' door and Nicole rang the chime. After a few moments of silence, she was about to ring it again, when the doors opened. Thomas was standing there, still in his suit, looking like a headmaster being disturbed after office hours. He immediately looked down as his eyes took them in and he stepped aside. "Ladies, please," he said, gesturing for them to come in.

"Thank you," Nicole said.

Thomas pulled out chairs from his table and offered them a seat. He sat down across from them and laced his fingers together as if addressing two misbehaving students. "I assume you're here regarding this morning, and want to discuss an appropriate apology," he said.

"Yes," Nicole said heavily. "I--"

"I'm sorry," Thomas said. "I am truly sorry for how I reacted."

Nicole was relatively sure Engineering would be sending a team to investigate the tremor in the ship as her jaw hit the deck. "You...wait...what?"

"I didn't want you to feel you had to drag it out of me. I know how stubborn we can be," he said. "While you were out in that shuttle monitoring the starbase and collecting the samples, I had some time to think."

"And..." Nicole said slowly.

"And I realized you were boxed into a corner. You were doing what you could to save the lives of everyone down there. When you asked what we'd do...well...I went to a bad place with that. The feelings of indignation and such that I felt over how you feel about me came rushing to the surface. But the plain and simple fact is, these two situations are nothing alike, and I can't hold you to the same standards you held me to."

I did not expect that! thought Camille as she watched Thomas's apology.

Nicole's mouth opened and closed like a fish, and she sat there staring. "Well...I...was going to say something similar," Nicole said. "I realize how easy it can be to cross a line when you feel you are desperate to find a solution," she said. "I'm...." she took a breath, her eyes watering. "I'm sorry, father."

Camille put her hand on Nicole's shoulder and gave it a gentle squeeze.

Nicole was doing her best not to cry. Newfound peace or not, she wasn't about to start bawling like a baby in front of him. She stood up, intent on maintaining her dignity and retreating to the head to collect herself, when her knees gave way and she buckled, starting to collapse back down.

Thomas was on his feet in an instant as he and Camille caught her. He picked her up and carried her over to his couch, laying her down gently.

"Are you okay?" asked Camille, worried for her girlfriend's sudden collapse.

"I'm sure she's fine," he said. "She looks exhausted. When was the last time you slept?" he said, looking at Nicole.

"Why does everyone keep asking me that?" she mumbled.

"Because you barely sleep, chère," Camille answered pointedly. "And because we know you've been working on the virus problem for two days, nonstop."

Thomas clucked his tongue in a scolding manner and pulled two chairs over for himself and Camille to sit by the couch. He sighed and sat back in the second chair, crossing his legs. "Do you need any of your...medicine?" he said, trying to be delicate.

"No, I think just a nap," she said, starting to sit up. "I'll go to my quarters--"

"You will stay right there, young lady," Thomas said sounding stern. "And we're going to sit here to make sure you sleep."

Camille smiled widely at Thomas. "The crisis is over, and we have time. I'm not due to go back on duty for a while. Your staff has sickbay under control. None of us are needed anywhere else. Sleep. Orders of the Chief Science Officer."

Nicole huffed at them and closed her eyes. "A short nap," she said.

Thomas nodded approvingly. "That's a good girl. Drift off." He chuckled to himself a bit. "Deja vu all over again," he said, smiling to himself. He tapped his fingers on his knee and hummed a few bars of a song as he watched her.

Nicole's eyes opened a bit. "What was that?"

"A song," he said.

"Sing it," she said, slowly.

Thomas looked as if he'd been caught doing something naughty and cleared his throat. "I'm not in the best voice, and you should rest..."

Nicole sat up, staring at him, her eyes glowing red. His face went slack and she growled. "Sing. That. Song."

Camille was taken aback, never having seen Nicole do this. She remained silent, needing to see this play out.

He took a breath and words poured out.

Lay by my side, and we'll sail away
Off to the shores of another day.
All set to go once I hear you say,
Goodnight my friend, until the morning.

Up we will float as we close our eyes.
Stars all around us like fireflies...

"Stop," Nicole said, her voice far away. "How do you know that song?"

"My mother taught it to me," he said slowly. "She sang it to me when I was a child."

Nicole's eyes flashed back to blue, and Thomas shook himself awake. "What..."

Nicole stood up, suddenly getting a second--well by that time fifth--wind. She stared at Thomas with a mixture of anger, terror and...something unidentifiable. "I thought I dreamed it...you were there? The whole time?"

Looking as if he'd been caught in the cookie jar, Thomas nodded. "For as much as I could be."

"Why...why for Providence's sake did no one tell me?" Nicole said. Her voice never raised, but it wavered.

"You were...not in a position to accept it," he said. "We were afraid the shock might be too much for you. You were going through so much already...we wanted to protect you."

"But you were there" she said. "How did you know--"

"Your mother called me," he said. "We each knew where the other was, remember?"

"Nicole?" Camille said quietly, "what's going on? He was 'there', but where's 'there'?"

Both of them turned, startled, forgetting Camille was there. Nicole even let out a small squeal of surprise. She put her hands over her mouth and eventually ran them up over her face and through her hair. "He was at my home. On Rigel. He was in my bedroom with me when I was..." she bit her lip. She didn't want to hide anything, but bad memories were bad memories. Still, Camille had weathered so much already...

"He was there when I almost died...back on the Ommadawn," she said, quietly. "I had no idea. I thought....it was only my mother and Cassandra, and my shipmates who knew..."

"If you hate me, I understand, but your mother and I were uniquely in complete agreement on this," Thomas said. "We only had your welfare in mind."

Nicole nodded, wringing her hands. "Camille, could you walk me home?" she said, quietly. "I need some time to process this...and explain." She was trembling a bit, but overall holding onto reality rather well, considering.

“Bien sûr,” she answered, taking Nicole by the arms and helping her towards the door.

"We will talk....later," she said, not quite looking at Thomas as they left. She held onto Camille tightly as they walked silently back to her quarters and when she stepped inside, she stumbled into her bedroom and almost collapsed onto her bed, her previous adrenaline rush finally crashing on her. She mustered enough energy to kick off her boots, and made a halfhearted effort to get out of her clothes.

“What do you need?” Camille asked. “Something to help you sleep better? I’d offer to help you undress, but I suspect that would do more harm than good.”

Nicole gave a half-hearted smile. "I love you," she said softly. "Meet me in holodeck one in three hours," she said. "And I'll explain what happened."

Camille nodded. “Okay. I love you too. See you in three hours.” She gave Nicole’s hand a final squeeze before moving to the door.

Nicole blew her a kiss and curled up with her pillow. When she heard the doors to her quarters close, she looked up. "Anderson to Sanders," she said.

"Go ahead," Cass said.

"I'm sleeping for the next two hours," Nicole said.

"Good, you need--"

"You have until then to release access control codes to the Ommadawn program, or else," she said, then closed the channel, closed her eyes, and quickly fell asleep.

 

RSS Feed

Comments (1)